It's time you recognize who the boss is. You do nothing all day but just lay there. I have become quite upset over this of late. Your growth this past season has been pitiful to say the least. The dark green hue you once had during our fist year together has all but turned to shades of unsightly light and dark blotches. What's the problem? One would think with all the delicious tap water I bathe you in you would be a field of luscious green. This is the thanks I get, huh? Well, I'm here to tell you that you'll not receive another drop until you start perking up. No more sprinklers for you. It's time to stretch out the tiny roots beneath you and suck, suck away.
Furthermore, who said it was ok to let those unsightly weeds start growing? I mean, show a little backbone and protect the soil I gave you. I know, I know, you get distracted by the earthworms tickling your tiny roots as they squirm along in their endless labyrinth of tiny passages. You would do well to remember that without them, your little panacea would be a lot dryer and constricted than it is now. So shape up!
Well, that's all for now. I'll be watching you closely. If things don't start looking up I may just have to replace some of you with a large patio area.
Dear Homeowner,
I am authorized to speak for every blade which makes up your front lawn. I'm afraid you will have to discuss the afore mentioned with the back yard separately. We want nothing to do with them. They get to bask in the shade while we endure the sunshine, day after day. It's simply not fair. I can assure you that we are most bitter about this.
Why do you find it easy to just walk all over us? Are you forgetting the great summer we shared last year. Do we need to remind you how cold winter was this past year. We're just not used to all that snow and ice. I don't suppose you care that many of us woke up quite ill for some reason. Did you start using those economy lawn care products? They really won't do at all. If you want us to be beautiful again, please bring back the guy who was here last spring. You know, the one with the fancy green truck. He knew what he was doing. Sadly, you do not.
Oh, and just remember that there are more of us than there are of you. We have you outnumbered. You know have evasive we can be; some of us may pop up where you don't want us while others may refuse to constrain ourselves to you fancy little borders. They are so 1970's. Have you ever tried living next to one of those things? Have a heart!
Dear Front Lawn,
After speaking with my wife, I have been instructed to spend more time with you. A lot more time, in fact. I didn't really mean most of the things I said. I hope you can forgive me.
One more thing. We are diverting funds from my ESPN subscription to help pay for more water. I hope this now settles the matter. Oh, and by the way, I've decided that I'll be practicing my golf swing at home on a regular basis. Know of any good spots?
James
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